LOVE LETTER TO MY SON

Disclaimer: This little boy is not my son. I am not pregnant, I don't have any kids of my own nor am I planning to have a child in the near future. This is a love letter to my unborn, un-conceived son in which I want to dedicate this to. Enjoy.

Dear Son,

This is your perfectly imperfect mother writing you this letter to let you know some things in hopes it will shed some light on you while you take this incredible journey on this place we call Earth. First and foremost I am writing you this letter before you are born or conceived for a reason.

I am writing you from a young woman's perspective. I am learning as I go along the way in hopes of by the time you read this I am a much strong, wiser, and better person. Life there are so many trials and tribulations, that there are things you cannot even read in book or learn in school to find out. Most of our hardest trials are things we have to go through based on experience, to which is why I am writing this to prepare you early...because there are some things I may not ever be able to teach you-but I hope this message will be instilled in you and give you better guidance along the way.

I want to let you know that I am doing my best to make sure you have everything you need before you even arrive here. I just recently received my Bachelors of Arts Degree and I am hoping to be working in my field very soon to be able to provide and give you a much better life than I had. I hope you never want or need for anything (but letting you know now I will not be making you a "spoiled brat"). I want to make sure you have a great childhood and to not be in a dysfunctional/hostile/uncomfortable environment.

With saying that I am being very cautious of what I do and how I play my cards in life. As I am writing this, you are not here now, but I always think about my future and my legacy to not mess of my foundation because one day you are going to have to carry it. I want our foundation to be strong, so that by the time you are old enough you will be able to keep the tradition going. I am not going to raise you to be in this world to be lost & confused like a lot of men are today. I have no idea what is going on, but I promise you I will make sure that you will not be a "statistic" and that you will have a strong male role model in your life so that you can see your example from the START.

One thing that I am not going to be able to do is raise you to be "a man" because unfortunately I cannot do that. That is something another man is going to have to show you and that man will be YOUR FATHER. There are so many single mothers out there who are raising their son's and teaching them that they are the mother & the father...I am sorry but I cannot do that. That is not my job. God made a man and a woman for a reason. God made it to where it takes a man and a woman to make a child, and it is going to take a man and a woman to raise you. But your father is going to raise you to be a MAN.

I know that your father is going to be a strong man. I will make sure of that. You father is going to be responsible, with a good head on his shoulders, and a leader to make sure that you can look up to him. You will need your father just like I needed mine. Your grandfather is a strong, black man and I am so grateful to have him as my father and I want you to feel the same way about your Dad. You wont ever have to resent your father, because he will be there. I promise my goal is to make sure you grow up in a loving two-parent home, just like me, because that is what you DESERVE.

I want you to grow up a be a "good man". I refuse to raise a "heart breaker". I want you to be a gentleman and to always treat woman with respect. You have aunts, grandmothers, female cousins, and maybe a sister so on my end I am going to make sure you know the rules on how to treat a female. There are men who mother's didn't instill those values, who didn't speak to their son's from a woman's point of view and I will make sure it happens because that is MY JOB. You are going to date one day and go through your own relationship fiascoes like I did, but regardless you will be a respectful to women. We are the ones who have to deliver life into this world and the least you can do is to treat woman like ladies and not like "disposable objects". Be better than that.

You are going to be apart of a strong legacy. You will always be surrounded by family and lots of love. On my side of the family, you will have so many cousins, uncles, aunts, etc...you will always have family around you. We are we close, tight knit, and its not perfect but you will love it. I want to make sure within your immediate family that there are always traditions that you will always remember, as if to almost mimick the Cosby Family(but better).

I want you to feel that you can always come to me or your father for advice. I want you to know what love feels like starting from the home. You are not going to have to run the street seeking the answers because you don't have to. I want you to be one of the fortunate people to say that you were able to grow up with your parents and live the American Dream. I want you to grow up knowing that you had smart, goal-oriented parents that worked hard to get what was necessary so that you grew up happy & well-rounded. I am speaking into existence that you will be a great asset to society, not a problem. You do not have to be Barack Obama to make a difference, you can be better if you wanted to.

I want to raise a strong man. That is you. You will have alot of my qualities and as well as your strong-minded father. You are loved before you were born, before you were given a name, before you were even thought about. Love is knowing that I am doing what I have to do NOW to make sure I can alway put a smile on your face in the FUTURE. I am trying my best even as we speak, I am trying. I made mistakes, and I will probably makes some even raising you but just know that the POWER OF LOVE is the best thing I want to teach you and show you.

I want to make you proud. I want to do the right thing because my actions are your future. I have to remember that. I pray and hope God delievers you in my life when I will be able to manifest these desires before I am able to give them to you. You will be born with love and hopefully by the time you read this that everything I am hoping comes true. I Love You.

Love your perfectly imperect mother,

K.Durham

SCARED OF LOVE (A CONFESSION)

I have a confession and I will share it will the world now. I am about to pour my heart & speak the truth.I was scared of LOVE and this is a piece of me of I want to get off my chest and admit.

Hell yes I was scared of love. Although I never knew I was scared. It didn't "click" in my mind I was scared of something so beautiful as love. Well here is my lil story:

I always been the type of girl that was "not like these other chicks" meaning I never went looking for a boyfriend, searching for love, pretty much I though I had the mentality of a guy. I was proud of it! I felt like I always had one up on most female because I was resistant to men and them not getting any of my emotions! I would play them before they played me and move on with my happy life. But then the game changed...

I got older and I desired to stop having several guys at my beck and call and just have one commitment. A commitment for me always seemed impossible for me because I felt like I couldn't commit because I didnt want to get "played" but eventually I did. I found someone who really clicked with me and LOVE snuck upon me on an accident...

What I mean by accident is that I thought it would be MY choice when I decided I would fall in love. He would always tell me he loved me and do things and I would be like "okay" or not say nothing because I didnt want to SUBMIT to love just yet. Eventually I did because we were in a commit ed relationship, and looking back on it now I wasn't all the way IN LOVE when I decided I LOVED this person. But I did love him and I LOVE the feeling of LOVE. I because obsessed with it because for the first time in my life I felt free and I didnt have any rules.

Love did a number on me. It had me wide open, in bliss, cloud 9, all of that and I felt invincible. I felt like nothing bad can happen now that I was in love and happy. Being that it was my 1st love I soon learn the harsh reality of what LOVE can be about as well. You know we look at movies and we see all the drama people go through just to obtain it, but you never think about it happening to you until you experience the other EFFECTS of love.

You realize just because someone says they "LOVE" you doesnt mean they will always do "loving" things. Of course in a relationship just because there is love in it doesnt mean it is perfect but I started to feel like LOVE was destructing me. It was taking over my personality and making me CRAZY! Yes I said crazy because the old me was dead and gone (or lost) and I started doing things that I would never in a million years think I would do to SAVE love and not LOSE love in my relationship. Its was scary because I had lost a little of myself not trying to LOSE LOVE.

So when that relationship ended I really didnt want nothing to do with the word LOVE. I was done with it for a second because in my mind LOVE betrayed me and it was evil. It tricked me and made me believe that Love meant happiness but all it did was bring me pain on top of pain and I couldn't stand it! So I just shoved thought in the back of my mind and rejected the idea that I could love again.

I wanted to be the old me again. I wanted to be the free spirited me who didnt give a damn if a dude thought he was going to play me or not because I was STRONG and I played the game better. Only this didnt quite work out for me because I started to date right after I said this and the game switched it up on me. I couldn't play how I wanted to anymore...

See what happened was I dated, and I think subconsciously I did desire love but I blocked. I craved to be rescued from my past failed loved, but I was always in defense mode. And when I really started to date and this person really changed everything because he was the opposite of what I was used to dealing with. When I would reject, he would accept...and I was utterly confused. What the hell is wrong with this dude? Doesn't he understand I go issues?

I did have issue. I had issues because when I am trying to block love and move it in the back of my mind...it was haunting me. It was haunting me in the form of my EX and I couldn't get rid of the love I had for him. I felt like a prisoner or a slave, as if I had shackles on my feet and I wanted to be free but the restraint of my emotions wouldn't let me! I really felt like I would feel like this forever and I hated it because the guy I was dating didn't deserve to date someone like me. How in the hell can I date someone new and my ex was always haunting my thoughts. I so badly wanted to move on, but I felt like a voodoo spell was put on me and I just could'nt mentally let go, even though I want to!

So with the new guy, as patient as he was and as nice as he was I steady blocked. I didn't even consider early in this relationship or even speak of the word LOVE, because in my mind it was another word for HEARTBREAK or FAILURE and I didnt want to feel like that again. So the more it seem like that was the route it seem like it should of went, I sabotaged it because in my mind again I never seen myself loving him because in reality I was SCARED!!!

I couldnt admit it back then, but that is what the hell was wrong with me. I was wanting to move on from my EX but I was SCARED to fall in love with this new guy. I was so scared he was too good to be true, that if I did fall in love with him that that evil word LOVE will trick me to think everything is okay in the beginning and the CYCLE will begin of the HATE I had for LOVE. That it would make me lose myself again after I worked so hard to regain me.

So eventually I did get released from the shackles from my EX, but I never stopped loving him, I just wasnt IN LOVE with him anymore and I was emotionally free and no longer his love slave. I was happy and I was finally ready to see if I can give LOVE a try again. At least to be open with the idea. I think I waited too long.

It doesn't matter because I found out something. I kept saying how I wasn't able to love again I was! I eventually fell in love with the new guy. It was a complete surprise because to be honest I didn't know for the longest time if I was IN LOVE with him. I kept asking myself is this love? Is this how love suppose to feel? It was completely different the second go round because I didnt force myself to be in love...I FELL IN LOVE INVOLUNTARILY. It happened and it was nothing I could do about it because when you are IN LOVE its a "feeling" that I couldn't run away from anymore. My whole goal was to run away from it and it snuck up and CAUGHT ME! I surrendered from that day.

See the issue was I was trying to CONTROL LOVE. It is always about Me, Me, Me and what I wanted and that is not what love was about. I also found out LOVE wasn't the enemy. LOVE isnt doing these bad things to me, love isn't evil...it was the person! The person that I loved actions wasn't out of love so why I sat here and kept BLAMING LOVE for all of these issues and kept running from it...I was sabotaging new love.

I think alot of us run from love because of past hurt and rejection. Love is one of the most beautifulest things we can ever have and experience but if we get hurt in the process of it we can't take it. The process of love can be painful because as humans its a trial and error with life and trying to UNDERSTAND the other person we are in love with. We close our hearts for protection of rejection, but doing that also hurts us too because we are shutting out a piece of happiness. I was rejected with my 1st love and that is what kept me back...

I used to cry about it sometimes because I just couldn't understand why LOVE hated me so much. Now I can appreciate love so much better because I know its not here to hurt me...it is here to show me change. Positive change. Being in love OPENED MY EYES and made me into a better person. All the past pain I went through has helped me LOVE BETTER!!! As crazy as it sounds I am kind of happy I went through the pain because now that I can admit my problems I can solve the issue I had. I surrendered to love and I am not afraid to take a risk to BE LOVED.

Sometimes our 1st love can change the game for others to get close to you. Maybe, like I did you held an undeserving GRUDGE against the wrong person in fear that you would get hurt again. Learn from me and DO know that love is nothing to be scared of. Embrace it if you feel it.

Here is my all time favorite song and the lyrics never meant more to me that it does now. This songs speaks every emotion that I poured my heart & soul into writing one of the realest post I ever wrote.


LOVE- By Musiq Soulchild

Learn: Love is beautiful and even though you been hurt by it in the past, give it another chance. Love is a piece of happiness all of us deserve so do not shut it out of your life or your will miss out. Love is an experience and one of the closest things we will obtain to having heaven on Earth.

THE DO's and DON'Ts of LIFE

Lets make this real simple that people make difficult. Start saying what you DO want and Stop saying what you DON'T want.

Do you ever realize that we as a human race, American culture, always say what we "dont" want or like? I think starting from a child we have been BRAINWASH to always talk about what we
DONT like about something. We always point out the NEGATIVES in life clarifying the dont's we want.

For example as a child your mom discipline you telling you "No...Don't do that!" and you will hear parents all around saying that all day everyday to discipline their children (which is okay) but is their a lot of praise on what we "Do" want the child to do instead? Sorry this isnt a lesson on raising children its just a scenario on how we always emphasize our "donts" in our lives.

So lets change that. I know you probably have been told to not say you "cant" do something...well why dont we just remove the word "DON'T" from our vocabulary? Is that too hard? Yes as a western culture its hard because again we are so full of negativity that focusing on what we can DO is somewhat of a challenge.

But its actually quite simple and easy and I have been taking these steps for the past couple of days to better myself and my life. I hate the word DONT. Instead I speak what I DO want. I speak of what I want clearly and do not focus too much of what I DONT want. I have been taking notes from the movie/book "The Secret" and I believe it. You will continue to attract things in your life that you DONT want because you keep saying it (even though you dont want it) and it comes because you are giving it energy.

Start giving energy to what you want. So you are broke and need more money. Stop saying "I dont like being broke" and start saying "I do want more money. I do want a better job (or a job)." Stop saying "I dont want think kind of man/woman" and start saying "I do want a man/woman who is like this, who does that, etc...". All we have to do is change our language around and life will start to look up...

To be honest saying you DONT want something is unnecessary. What good does it do? Yes it reiterates the negativity you have or DO NOT desire in your life, but WHAT DO YOU WANT INSTEAD?! Is it even clear what you want?

If you are not clear of what you DO want, then you need to DO some soul searching to figure out what is it that you desire. You are the only one who can answer this and once you figure it out, the thing you DO want will be easier for you to have because its understood this is what makes you happy. This is what you want and will accept and everything in your life will be positive because the negativity (DONT) will be removed from your everyday speech.

Learn: What you put your energy into is what you get. Whether you DO want it or you DONT want it that is what is going to manifest. Untrain yourself that you do not have to clarify the negative and DO remember to go for what you WANT.

THE GRUDGE: R U HOLDING ONE?

Holding grudges is one of the worst things a person can do. Its understandable that you can be mad at a particular person(s) about a situation that you will never erase from your memory, but are you gonna hold onto that forever?

Apart of taking this journey on Earth is knowing that people are going to piss you off. That people you though you can trust, care about, or associated with can do something to you that is almost unforgivable that yes you will hold onto a GRUDGE. Everytime that person comes around, you will find a way to remember what that person did. Especially if it was the ultimate beytral and I understand.

But...holding onto grudges are bad. That are bad because it just sit in your system, and its like a little piece of anger that gets fired up everytime you think about it or when this person come around. It could of happened months or years ago, but you will hold onto that memory like it happened yesterday and thats not good.

Again people piss us off, but the best thing we can do whether they apologize or not is to FORGIVE THEM. I know that hard because they pissed YOU OFF and they should be begging you for Forgiveness...but either way you should let what happened go. I am not saying to FORGET what happened, because it did and that memory will not go away but when you forgive and let the GRUDGE go you will feel better and your life can fully move on.

GRUDGES are a sign of stunted growth. You can expect to grow as a human being knowing that this memory/situation/person eats up at you and pulls you backwards. You get angry, frustrated, cold-hearted, and become a brick wall because of that experience and whether you know it or not, this will effect another situation in the future because you just cant let it go.

Some people are so hard that even when the other person who might of been in the wrong apologizes, its not enough because you just that mad. I will reinstate that I can understand something "seem" unforgiveable, but you can forgive and move on. Be the bigger person and show that this situation was in the past, and let the grudge out of you system.

You can choose to resolve the situation, depending on how sincere the person was with their apology and your relationship prior to the situation (how important were they in your life before this happened) or choose to forgive but not associate yourself with them because you know this person is not "sincere" or can't be trusted (which is understandable).

Everything is about growth, trial and error, who to trust who not to trust, anger & forgiveness, problem & solution and so on and if you cannot go on with life understanding this concept and still want to hold onto GRUDGES then maybe its you with the PROBLEM.

Learn: Be a person who is not weak because they can forgive others, but strong enough to know that people make mistakes. Once you let go of the "grudges" in your life, you can peel away the old you and celebrate another step to maturity and growth.

SMILING THROUGH THE RAIN

I hate rain, the rain sucks, but we have to deal with it right? Even though it rains and we may not like it there is a reason for it and without it things wont grow right?

When it is raining outside people's mood changes. They do not want to go out, they get lazy, or they might be in a crappy mood-all because of the weather. Who says you have to be in a crappy mood because its raining?

Rain is much like our lives. The emotions and despair and sad times in our life rain represents. If you are unemployed, having relationship issues, having family issues, having life issues, that is rain. Every complication in our life is rain, because it can't always be sunny in our lives or we wont GROW.

Now it may not be pretty outside, but your attitude on it doesnt have to make your life miserable. It might even surprise you to do the opposite, to actually learn to smile in the rain because you know sunshine is coming soon. You know it doesnt rain forever!

Why sulk because its raining? Why sulk because your life is not "perfect" right now? Why be upset because you need some rain in your life to get an understanding and to grow. It rains outside because things need to grow and we need water to survive. We might not like it but the negative things in our lives happen because we need to grow and find ways to survive our adversity!

I hate the rain, the rain can mess up situations and throw a curveball in your life that was unexpectant, but crying while its raining is not going to make it better is it? When you watch movies or TV show when it rains it is usually a situation where something bad or dramatic is happening, but dont turn on the DRAMATICS in your life just because the weather sucks.

Its hard and its raining outside doesn't make the situation better, but believe sunshine is coming. The weather will be beautiful again and you will be even more happier because you was able to withstand the storm and now your able to enjoy the sun being out again.

Learn: Dont let the weather mess up your mood or life. Sometimes the rain is good so that you can wash away things that are unable to handle the storms, and when it all over beautiful things grow from it.

THE COMFORT ZONE

In my previous post I talked about WHAT MATTERS, and your COMFORT ZONE matters alot in a relationship. Sometimes that is the hardest thing when seeking a mate, its not all about attraction or just liking them is can you be comfortable around them?

In the beginning of most relationship we try our best to put on the beautiful front that we are "perfect" and that there are barely an flaws with us. After the 6 month mark usually you start letting down some walls and breaking barriers, and maybe the REAL YOU starts to reveal. It may not necessarily be a bad thing, it just things you used to restrict yourself to the other person in fear they would JUDGE YOU. Try to make a great impression and put on this facade and cover up little things so that you wouldnt push them away.

But over time you get used to a person. You get so used to them you start to feel COMFORTABLE and that you can be YOURSELF! That is the best part that if after you can chill with someone with no restrictions, barriers, and reservations and they accept you FLAWS & ALL. When you are around that person you can let loose and just be free.

Its a deeper connnection as well when you reach that ultimate comfort zone with that person. When you are around that person you relax, laugh, and there is no fear in too much of anything because just being in their prescence makes you comfortable. You can be around them and things just feel "right" and there is no nervousness or timid feelings.

When you kiss them its natural. When you hug them its natural. When you cuddle with them its natural. Everything with that person is just a "natural chemistry" and doing things with them is just easy and effortless. Thats what makes the bond so strong that you are so comfortable with one another you do not have to think too hard to do things, you just do them and GO WITH THE FLOW.

When you find a person that you can "just be" with and everything fall into place, it is BEAUTIFUL. It wonderful because doesn't take too much to "impress" this person because they are impressed with the beauty of you alone.

Learn: One of the most important things in a relationship is being totally comfortable with the one you are with. Once your comfortable there will not be too many things that can destroy that bond unless you get TOO COMFORTABLE. When you finally comfortable with someone everything else will be natural and easy to trust them with the REAL YOU.

WHAT MATTERS

Most of us in life are so busy looking for the wrong things...thinking too hard about the wrong things...and we forget WHAT MATTERS. So what does matter in life?

Well everyone has their own perception of what is important in their lives and what is SUPPOSE to matter. In reality people are so disillusion because they do not know the difference between what is SUPERFICIAL vs REAL so of course we can easily get things confused.

Little things should NOT matter. Something that is not going to last past next year should not matter. But the problem is that we cannot see the FUTURE should again how do we know if something matters or not? What should you invest your time in, what should you get rid of, what is important?

Your future is important. After a while you have to see what is ahead of you. What is your life plans? Do you hold the blueprint to your life or are your walking around in the dark with no flashlight? What is important is your HAPPINESS! What is important is your getting rid of things that are not going to fit into your master plans for the future.

Its okay to be confused about what matters because everything is based on trials and errors. But what you do need to pay attention is to your INTUITION. Do you get bad vibes around someone? Do you hear a little voice that says maybe this is not a good situation? Do you know the difference between what is a temporary feeling and what is a perment lingering feeling that wont go away?

What is going to make your life better? What is the solution to a problem? Most importantly what is LOGICAL?That is what matters the most is the logic of any situation if it is not going to make your life better or if it makes a situation worse.

We all have a little voice inside of us that speaks the truth in what matters. The voice is so little that we may not hear it very well or we ignore it, but the voice still speaks. Its up to us to open our ears and pay attention to what matters, before we keep surrounding ourselves with superfical, meanlingless, & disappointing things.

Learn: What matters the most is for you to move forward with your future goals and not backwards. Stop giving energy to things that you know in the LONG RUN does not matter. Only you can decifer what matters within yourself the answer will reveil itself or you will figure it out the hard way.