Thursday, October 8, 2009


I have a confession and I will share it will the world now. I am about to pour my heart & speak the truth.I was scared of LOVE and this is a piece of me of I want to get off my chest and admit.

Hell yes I was scared of love. Although I never knew I was scared. It didn't "click" in my mind I was scared of something so beautiful as love. Well here is my lil story:

I always been the type of girl that was "not like these other chicks" meaning I never went looking for a boyfriend, searching for love, pretty much I though I had the mentality of a guy. I was proud of it! I felt like I always had one up on most female because I was resistant to men and them not getting any of my emotions! I would play them before they played me and move on with my happy life. But then the game changed...

I got older and I desired to stop having several guys at my beck and call and just have one commitment. A commitment for me always seemed impossible for me because I felt like I couldn't commit because I didnt want to get "played" but eventually I did. I found someone who really clicked with me and LOVE snuck upon me on an accident...

What I mean by accident is that I thought it would be MY choice when I decided I would fall in love. He would always tell me he loved me and do things and I would be like "okay" or not say nothing because I didnt want to SUBMIT to love just yet. Eventually I did because we were in a commit ed relationship, and looking back on it now I wasn't all the way IN LOVE when I decided I LOVED this person. But I did love him and I LOVE the feeling of LOVE. I because obsessed with it because for the first time in my life I felt free and I didnt have any rules.

Love did a number on me. It had me wide open, in bliss, cloud 9, all of that and I felt invincible. I felt like nothing bad can happen now that I was in love and happy. Being that it was my 1st love I soon learn the harsh reality of what LOVE can be about as well. You know we look at movies and we see all the drama people go through just to obtain it, but you never think about it happening to you until you experience the other EFFECTS of love.

You realize just because someone says they "LOVE" you doesnt mean they will always do "loving" things. Of course in a relationship just because there is love in it doesnt mean it is perfect but I started to feel like LOVE was destructing me. It was taking over my personality and making me CRAZY! Yes I said crazy because the old me was dead and gone (or lost) and I started doing things that I would never in a million years think I would do to SAVE love and not LOSE love in my relationship. Its was scary because I had lost a little of myself not trying to LOSE LOVE.

So when that relationship ended I really didnt want nothing to do with the word LOVE. I was done with it for a second because in my mind LOVE betrayed me and it was evil. It tricked me and made me believe that Love meant happiness but all it did was bring me pain on top of pain and I couldn't stand it! So I just shoved thought in the back of my mind and rejected the idea that I could love again.

I wanted to be the old me again. I wanted to be the free spirited me who didnt give a damn if a dude thought he was going to play me or not because I was STRONG and I played the game better. Only this didnt quite work out for me because I started to date right after I said this and the game switched it up on me. I couldn't play how I wanted to anymore...

See what happened was I dated, and I think subconsciously I did desire love but I blocked. I craved to be rescued from my past failed loved, but I was always in defense mode. And when I really started to date and this person really changed everything because he was the opposite of what I was used to dealing with. When I would reject, he would accept...and I was utterly confused. What the hell is wrong with this dude? Doesn't he understand I go issues?

I did have issue. I had issues because when I am trying to block love and move it in the back of my was haunting me. It was haunting me in the form of my EX and I couldn't get rid of the love I had for him. I felt like a prisoner or a slave, as if I had shackles on my feet and I wanted to be free but the restraint of my emotions wouldn't let me! I really felt like I would feel like this forever and I hated it because the guy I was dating didn't deserve to date someone like me. How in the hell can I date someone new and my ex was always haunting my thoughts. I so badly wanted to move on, but I felt like a voodoo spell was put on me and I just could'nt mentally let go, even though I want to!

So with the new guy, as patient as he was and as nice as he was I steady blocked. I didn't even consider early in this relationship or even speak of the word LOVE, because in my mind it was another word for HEARTBREAK or FAILURE and I didnt want to feel like that again. So the more it seem like that was the route it seem like it should of went, I sabotaged it because in my mind again I never seen myself loving him because in reality I was SCARED!!!

I couldnt admit it back then, but that is what the hell was wrong with me. I was wanting to move on from my EX but I was SCARED to fall in love with this new guy. I was so scared he was too good to be true, that if I did fall in love with him that that evil word LOVE will trick me to think everything is okay in the beginning and the CYCLE will begin of the HATE I had for LOVE. That it would make me lose myself again after I worked so hard to regain me.

So eventually I did get released from the shackles from my EX, but I never stopped loving him, I just wasnt IN LOVE with him anymore and I was emotionally free and no longer his love slave. I was happy and I was finally ready to see if I can give LOVE a try again. At least to be open with the idea. I think I waited too long.

It doesn't matter because I found out something. I kept saying how I wasn't able to love again I was! I eventually fell in love with the new guy. It was a complete surprise because to be honest I didn't know for the longest time if I was IN LOVE with him. I kept asking myself is this love? Is this how love suppose to feel? It was completely different the second go round because I didnt force myself to be in love...I FELL IN LOVE INVOLUNTARILY. It happened and it was nothing I could do about it because when you are IN LOVE its a "feeling" that I couldn't run away from anymore. My whole goal was to run away from it and it snuck up and CAUGHT ME! I surrendered from that day.

See the issue was I was trying to CONTROL LOVE. It is always about Me, Me, Me and what I wanted and that is not what love was about. I also found out LOVE wasn't the enemy. LOVE isnt doing these bad things to me, love isn't was the person! The person that I loved actions wasn't out of love so why I sat here and kept BLAMING LOVE for all of these issues and kept running from it...I was sabotaging new love.

I think alot of us run from love because of past hurt and rejection. Love is one of the most beautifulest things we can ever have and experience but if we get hurt in the process of it we can't take it. The process of love can be painful because as humans its a trial and error with life and trying to UNDERSTAND the other person we are in love with. We close our hearts for protection of rejection, but doing that also hurts us too because we are shutting out a piece of happiness. I was rejected with my 1st love and that is what kept me back...

I used to cry about it sometimes because I just couldn't understand why LOVE hated me so much. Now I can appreciate love so much better because I know its not here to hurt is here to show me change. Positive change. Being in love OPENED MY EYES and made me into a better person. All the past pain I went through has helped me LOVE BETTER!!! As crazy as it sounds I am kind of happy I went through the pain because now that I can admit my problems I can solve the issue I had. I surrendered to love and I am not afraid to take a risk to BE LOVED.

Sometimes our 1st love can change the game for others to get close to you. Maybe, like I did you held an undeserving GRUDGE against the wrong person in fear that you would get hurt again. Learn from me and DO know that love is nothing to be scared of. Embrace it if you feel it.

Here is my all time favorite song and the lyrics never meant more to me that it does now. This songs speaks every emotion that I poured my heart & soul into writing one of the realest post I ever wrote.

LOVE- By Musiq Soulchild

Learn: Love is beautiful and even though you been hurt by it in the past, give it another chance. Love is a piece of happiness all of us deserve so do not shut it out of your life or your will miss out. Love is an experience and one of the closest things we will obtain to having heaven on Earth.

1 comment:

  1. Yea, I am DEF here right now...My past hurt wouldnt allow me to move on...I blocked his love and pushed him away more than once...Scared to be hurt again...But he is a good guy and has been patient eventho I have been frustrating him...I lost him a couple times but he loves me soo much that he came back, we are trying to work things out now :) I hope this is the LOVE that I need...but only way to find out is to give my heart and try